Rufus: Hi. Welcome to the future. San Dimas, California, 2688 and I'm telling you it's great here. The air is clean. The water's clean. Even the dirt is clean. Bowling scores are way up. Mini-golf scores are way down. And we have more excellent water slides than any other
planet we communicate with. I'm telling you this place is great. But it almost wasn't. 700 years ago, the two great ones ran into a few problems. So now I have to travel back in time to help them out. If I should fail to keep these two on the correct path the basis of ou
r society will be in danger. Don't worry, it'll all make sense. Bill: I'm Bill S. Preston, Esquire. Ted: And I'm Ted ''Theo… Oh! Bill, here take it. Bill: Okay. Ted: And I'm Ted ''Theodore'' Logan. Bill: Yeah! Both: And we're Wyld Stallyns. Bill: Oh, Dude! Let's bail. We
blew it. I guess we used too much power. Ted, while I agree that in time our band will be most triumphant, the truth is Wyld Stallyns will never be a super band until we have Eddie Van Halen on guitar. Ted: Yes Bill, but I do not believe we will get Eddie Van Halen until
we have a triumphant video. Bill: Ted, it's pointless to have a triumphant video before we even have decent instruments. Ted: Well how can we have decent instruments when we really don't even know how to play. Bill: That is why we need Eddie Van Halen. Ted: And that is wh
y we need a triumphant video. Both: Excellent. Bill: Uh-oh. We're late. Ted: For what? Bill: For school, dude. Ted: Oh yeah. Mr. Ryan: Bill, I'm waiting. Bill: He's dead? Mr. Ryan: So Bill, what you're telling me, essentially, is that Napoleon was a short, dead dude. Bill
: Well yeah. Ted: You totally blew it, dude. Mr. Ryan: Ted, stand up. Ted: Stand up? Mr. Ryan: Yes son, stand up. Now, who was Joan of Arc? Ted: Noah's wife? Mr. Ryan: Listen guys, don't forget, tomorrow. Final Reports, 1:30-3:30, okay? Hey guys. Bill: Mr. Ryan, before yo
u say anything, my distinguished colleague Ted and I wish to express to you our thanks for all the things we have learned in your class. Mr. Ryan: And what have you learned? Bill: We have, uh…we've learned that the world has a great history. Ted: Yes, and that thanks to l
eaders such as Genghis Khan, Joan of Arc, and Socratic Method, the world is full of history. Mr.Ryan: It seems to me that the only thing you have learned is that Caesar was a salad dressing dude. Bill, Ted, this is really quite simple. You have flunked every section of th
is class. Now unless you get an A+ on your final oral report tomorrow, guys, I have no choice but to flunk the both of you. Now you know your topics so I would at least suggest that you cover those areas. Do you understand? Both: Yes sir. Mr.Ryan: Guys. Your report had be
tter be something very special. Ted: Bill, what are we supposed to know for our report? Bill: I'm not sure. One thing I know is that Joan of Arc is not Noah's wife. Ted: Well then who is Noah's wife? Bill: I dunno, Ted. But I do know that we're in serious trouble. Listen
to this. Express to the class how an important historical figure from each of your time periods would view the world of San Dimas, 1988. We're in danger of flunking most heanously tomorrow, Ted. Missy: Hi, Bill. Wanna a ride? Bill: Sure Missy. I mean, Mom. Ted: You're ste
p-mom's cute. Bill: Shut up, Ted! Ted: Remember when she was a Senior and we were Freshman? Bill: Shut up, Ted! Ted: I'll be right back, as soon as I get my books. Captain Logan: Ted. Ted: What are you doing home, dad? Captain Logan: I'm looking for my keys. Ted: Oh? Capt
ain Logan: You haven't done anything with them, have you? Ted: No, sir. Captain Logan: I spoke with your principal today, Ted. He said you're failing History. Ted: Me and Bill… Captain Logan: He also said that if you fail History you flunk out of school, and you know what
that would mean Ted? Ted: That I would have to go to Oats Military Academy, sir. Captain Logan: Uh-huh. I spoke to Col. Oats this morning. He's anxious to meet you, Ted. Ted: Dude, we gotta pass. Otherwise there's no more band. Bill: Why? Ted: My dad's sending me to Mili
tary School. Bill: Where? Ted: Alaska. Head Leader: It is time. Their separation is imminent. Rufus: Be excellent to each other. Head Leader: Party on, dude! Bill: Okay Ted. George Washington. One - the father of our country. Ted: Two - born on President's Day. Bill: Thre
e - the dollar bill guy. Ted: Bill, you ever made a mushroom out of his head? Bill: Ted, Alaska… Ted: Okay. Had wooden teeth, chased Moby Dick. Bill: That's Captain Ahab, dude. Ted: Oh wait. Remember Disneyworld, The Hall of Presidents. Bill: Yeah, good, what'd he say? Te
d: ''Welcome to the Hall of Presidents.'' Missy: Hi, I brought you guys some food. Ted: It's you're mom, dude! Mr. Preston: How's it going guys? Both: Bad! Bill: We are destined to flunk most agregiously tomorrow. Ted: And I am destined to end up at Oats Military Academy.
Bill: And then we'll never start our band. Mr. Preston: Good. Good. Missy: What are you guys studying anyway? Ted: History. Missy: Mr. Ryan? Ted: Uh-huh. Missy: Tell him, 'Hi'. Mr. Preston: Why don't you guys take a dinner break. Bill: Thanks, dad. Ted: Now you're dad's
going for it. In your own room. Bill: Shut up Ted. Ted: Your step-mom is cute though. Bill: Shut up Ted. Ted: Remember when I asked her to the prom? Bill: Shut up Ted! Ted: 1275…1275… Okay the lady in that car over there said that Marco Polo was in the year 1275. Bill: So
it's not just a water sport, I knew it. Ted: Excuse me, when did the Monguls rule China? Cashier: I don't know. I just work here. Ted: Wanna try the Thrifty Mart. Bill: Sure. Both: Whoa! Not bad. Rufus: Greetings, my excellent friends. Ted: Do you know when the Monguls r
uled China? Rufus: Well, perhaps we could ask them. Bill S. Preston, Esquire and Ted 'Theodore' Logan. Gentlemen, I'm here to help you with your History report. Ted: What? Bill: How? Ted: Bill? Bill: What? Ted: Strange things are afoot at the Circle K. Bill2: Dudes, you g
uys are gonna go back in time. Ted2: Yeah! You are gonna have a most excellent adventure through History. Bill: Who are you guys? Ted2: We're you, dude. Ted: No way. No way! Ted2: Yes way, Ted! Bill2: Look, we know how you feel. We didn't believe it either when we were yo
u and we us said what we us are saying right now. Ted: Okay wait, if you guys are really us, what number are we thinking of? Bill2 & Ted2: 69, dudes! Bill & Ted: Whoa! Bill2: Look, we've gotta go. Ted2: Yeah, we gotta get back to the report. Rufus! Bill2: Listen to this d
ude, Rufus. He knows what he's talking about. Ted2: Right! And Ted, give my love to the Princesses. Ted: Who? Ted2: You'll see. Rufus: Gentleman…is everything all right? Ted2: Ted, don't forget to wide your watch! Bill2 & Ted2: Thanks Rufus. Bill2 & Ted2: Catch ya later,
Bill and Ted. Ted: Dude, are you sure we should be doing this? Bill: Ted, you and I have witnessed many things, but nothing as bodacious as what just happened. Besides we told ourselves to listen to this guy. Ted: What if we were lying?Bill: Why would we lie to ourselves?
Ted: How are you gonna help us? Bill: Yeah, are you gonna call someone and get the answers? Rufus: Gentlemen, we're gonna do a lot more than that. Both: Whoa, excellent. Rufus: Brace yourselves amigos. Gentlemen, we're history. Ted: Rufus, where are we, dude? Rufus: Thes
e are the Circuits of History, gentlemen. They'll take us to any point in time we wish. Bill: How? Rufus: Modern technology, William. Both: Whoa. Bill: That was most unprecidented Rufus. Ted: Where are we, Rufus. Rufus: Austria, 1805, the French have just invaded. Ted: Bi
ll, check it out! We're in the middle of a war, dude! Rufus: Amigos, time to depart. Bill and Ted: How's it going dude? Napoleon: Blow them up! Move it! Ted: Now where are we, dude? Oh, it's my house. Bill: Rufus, can we go anywhere we want? In any time? Rufus: Gentlemen,
you can do anything you want, as long as you remember this, no matter what happens, you must get to that report. Got it? All right amigos, that book will tell you the number of any place you want to go. Now, most important, no matter what you do, no matter where you go,
that clock , the clock in San Dimas is always running. Got it? All right, time for me to go. Bill: What do you mean, Rufus? Ted: Yeah, aren't you coming with us? Rufus: Gentlemen, you're on your own. Bill: Ted, this has been a most unusual day. Bill: Ted, it's Napoleon. T
ed: Who? Bill: The short, dead dude from our History revue. Ted, I have a most excellent idea. Grabs his legs, let's get him inside. I think I've figured out a way to pass our report. Ted: How? Bill: Well we've got one historical figure here. Maybe we can go back and get
some more. Ted: Yeah! Ted: Deacon, you have to watch this guy. Hes a very famous French dude. Bill: We have decided to collect other important figures in History for an oral report we are doing. While we are gone you are not to let him out of your sight. Ted: Here is some
money. Take him to the movies or something. Bill: Uh, Napoleon, I am Bill. We'll take you back to France after you tell us what you think of San Dimas. This is Ted's little brother, Deacon. Deacon: Hi. Bill: He'll take care of you. Ready Ted? Ted: Ready Bill. Bill: Let's
go back into history. Bill:This should be most triumphant. Captain Logan: I want to speak with you son. Alone, please Bill. All right, sit down. What am I gonna do with you, huh? Bill: Great. Captain Logan: You lose my keys. You fail History. You spend all your time with
your loser friend planning a band that'll never happen. Now you're not to leave this house again until tomorrow morning. Yes? Bill: Captain Logan? This is Deputy Van Halen down at the station. Captain Logan: Deputy Van Halen? Bill: I'm new dude, uh, sir. Look, we found y
our keys, and if you want 'em you better come and get 'em. Captain Logan: When I get back from the station I want you packed and ready to go. Got it? Ted: We are in serious trouble. My dad already signed me up, my plane leaves tomorrow night. Bill: Only if we fail, dude.
Both: No way! Ted: Okay, we got Sigmund Freud, Beethoven… Bill: Uh, is there one for Western Movement in America in the 19th Century? Ted: Yeah Bill: Well then, let's reach out and touch someone. Ted: How's it going, Old West Dude? Ted: Hey, Bill, this is just like Fronti
er Land. Bill: Yeah, but you can get shot here, Ted.Just try to act natural. Ted: Howdy partner. Man: Howdy. Bill: Oh, watch out for the horse crap, Ted. Ted: Oh, thanks dude. Hey, Bill, I'm totally thirsty. Bill: Me too. Bill: Two beers please. Ted: Whoa, he didn't even
card us, dude! Bill: Yeah, we're gonna have to remember this place. So, who should we take with us? Bill: Who's he? Bartender: He's Billy the Kid. Ted: He's famous, dude. Bill: Let's bag him. Billy: I need two men. Who's with me? Ted: We're with you Billy the Kid. Billy:
Here's the deal. What I win, I keep. What you win, I keep. Both: Sounds good Mr. The Kid. Bill: Dude, you gotta have a poker face, like me. Bill: Whoa! Three aces! Man: What the hell's going on here, Billy? Man2: Are you cheating us, Kid? Billy: Cheatin'? Me? No! Bill: Lo
ok, we're totally weak. We can't possibly fight you. Ted: However, how would you gentlemen like free passes to Waterloo. Home of excellent water slides. Bill: Nice try, dude. Ted: Look! It's the Goodyear Blimp. Bill: I can't believe they fell for that! Men in the bar: Let
's get 'em!! Billy: You guys saved my life. Ted: Nothing doing Billy the Kid. Billy: Where we going? Ted: The Golden Age of Civilization. Billy: Where? Bill: Ancient Greece, dude. Ted: Don't worry, we'll bring you back as soon as you talk in our report. Billy: What?! Bill
: Socrates. Hey, we know that name. Ted: Yeah. Hey, look him up. Oh, it's under So-crates. Bill: Oh yeah. So-crates: The only true wisdom consists in knowing that you know nothing. Ted: That's us, dude! Bill: Oh yeah. Let's bag him. Socrates: So you see, our lives are but
specks of dust falling through the fingers of time. Bill: How's it going? I'm Bill, this is Ted. We're from the future. Socrates: Socrates…hmmm. Ted: Now what? Bill: I dunno, philosophize with him. Ted: All we are is dust in the wind, dude. Dust. Wind. Ted: Dude. Socrate
s: Yes, like sands of the hourglass, so are the days of our lives. Bill: Let's get out of here, dude. Bill: All right! Billy: Not bad, eh Socrates? Where are we dudes? Bill: England, 15th Century. Ted: We are in most excellent shape for our report. Bill: Yeah, all we need
is one more speaker from Medieval. Billy: Excellent. Bill: Billy, you are dealing with the oddity of time travel with the greatest of ease. Excuse me. Do you know where there are any personages of historical significance around here? All: Whoa! Ted: Check it out. Bill: I
t must be the castle of King Henry. Let's go, dude! Ted: Billy, watch the booth. And keep an eye on Socrates. Billy: Socrates. Bill: So, who should be get from Medieval? How about that knarly old goat dude? Ted? Ted: I'm in love, dude. Bill: Whoa. Those must be the Prince
sses you told yourself about at the CircleK. We gotta go, it's a history report, not a babe report. Ted: But Bill, those are historical babes. Bill: Okay, you're the ladies man, how we gonna meet 'em? Ted:Excellent. Bill? Bill: What? Ted: These are heavy. Bill: Yeah, heav
y metal. Bill: Whoa, we gotta go find the princesses. Ted: Yeah. Bill: Watch it! Bill: Who turned out all the lights? Ted: Hey, Bill? Bill: What? Ted: I'm Darth Ted. Bill: Yeah, well I'm Luke Bill. And you're not my father. Bill: Come on! Ted: Hey! I totally conquered you
, dude! Bill: No way! Come on! I'll never rule the Universe with you. Ted: Hey Bill… you totally know how to sword fight. Bill: Ted. Guard: Search the castle, their might be more of them. Bill: Get outta here! Bogus. Heinous. Most non-triumphant. Oh, Ted, don't be dead, d
ude. You killed Ted you medieval dickweed! Ahhh! Bill: Whoa! Ted, you're alive! Ted: Yeah! I fell out of my suit when I hit the floor. Both: Fag! Bill: Dude, you totally boned that dude in the head. Ted: Yeah! He's a total bonehead. Elisabeth: Boys. I can't believe they'r
e here. Both: How's it going ladies? Elisabeth: You're the ones we saw in front of the castle. Ted: I am Ted of San Dimas and I bring to you a message of love. Elisabeth: From who? Ted: From…from myself. Elisabeth: And what is this message you speak of? Ted: Uh… Bill: Lyr
ics, dude. Recite 'em some lyrics. Ted: Oh, you beautiful babes from England, for whom we have traveled through time…Will you go to the Prom with us in San Dimas? We will have a most triumphant time. Bill: Way to go, dude. King: Flora. Elisabeth. Elisabeth: It's father! B
ill: What does your father want? Flora: We're to be married to horrible old men today. Ted: No way! Elisabeth: Will you help us escape? Bill and Ted: Of course, babes. Bill: How's it going royal ugly dudes? I am the Earl of Preston. Ted: And I am the Duke of Ted. King: Pu
t them in the Iron Maiden. Bill and Ted: Iron Maiden? Excellent. King: Execute them! Elisabeth: Oh no! Bill and Ted: Bogus. Ted: We'll save you babes! Peasant: Witches. Heretics! I saw them! They fell from the sky! Heretics! They fell out of the sky! They had fire in thei
r eyes, and they had horns! King: Off with their heads! Ted: Bill. Bill: What? Ted: I believe our adventure through time has taken a most serious turn. Bill and Ted: Huh? Bill: Billy! Ted: Socrates! King: Guards! Stop them! Bill: Catch you later, evil dudes. King: Catch t
hem! Ted: Dial fast, dude! Operator: I'm sorry, the number you've dialed is not in service at this time. Please check your directory and dial again. Bill: Oh no. Operator: Party on, dude! Ted: Bill! Bill: Okay, I got one, let's go! Bill: You guys stay here. Ted: Where are
we, dude? Bill: I don't know. They sure do play excellent music. Ted: Most outstanding. Head Leader: It's you. Ted: Yeah! It's us! Who are we? Ted: I think they want us to say something. Bill: What should I say? Ted: Make something up. Bill: Be excellent to each other. T
ed: Party on, dudes! Bill: Well, we gotta get back to our report. Ted: Yeah, we'd take you with us. But it's a history report, not a future report. Bill: Later. Everyone: Later. Ted: Come on, let's get back and do our report. Bill: Yeah. Ted: Dude, where're we going? Bill
: I don't know. I think the booth's broke. We gotta keep going to San Dimas until we get back and get Napoleon. ZP Employee: Behold. Behold, the Ziggy Pig. The single greatest ice cream spectacle known to man. ZP Employees: Eat the pig. Eat the pig. Ziggyziggyziggyzig. Na
poleon: Un barton. Deacon: It's ice cream. You eat it. Napoleon: Le glace? Deacon: Whatever, just eat it. ZP Employee: All behold, he ate the pig. Thus proving that he's a Ziggy Piggy, Ziggy Piggy, Ziggy Piggy. Ted: What's that? Bill: I don't know. Both: Shit!! Ted: Where
'd we land now? Bill: Dude, it's Sigmund Freud. How much time have we got left. Ted: Tons! Why? Bill: Extra credit, dude! Ted: How's it going, Freud dude? Sigmund: Am I dreaming? Sigmund: Ah, ah desist. Let go of me. What are you doing? Ted: Welcome aboard Ms. Joan of Arc
. I'm Ted, and this is Bill. Ted: Would you like a Twinkie, Genghis Khan? Say please. Mmmmm. Man: Candygram. Ted: We've got plenty of time, but we don't have any more room left. Bill: Ted, we're outta control. Ted: What? Bill: The next place we stop we gotta try and figur
e out what's wrong with the booth. Ted: Bill, I think I got an idea what's wrong. Bill: What? Ted: The antenna's broken. Napoleon: Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Deacon: Come on, let's ditch him. Napoleon: Excuse moi, mister. Owner: No, no, not so fast there buddy. Napoleo
n: Buddy? Owner: You ain't paid yet. Napoleon: Pay? Owner: Pay? Owner: I don't want to see you around here anymore. Beat it. Napoleon: Owner: Beat it, buddy! Napoleon: Idiot! Ted: Here is a treat to make a minor prehistoric pit stop a bit more enjoyable. Lincoln: Thank yo
u. Bill: Uh-oh. Bill: Thanks guys. I sure hope this works. Ted: I think it's working dude. Ted: Hey! That's us. We're back in San Dimas. Bill: Yeah, only now it's not now. It's last night. Ted: Dude. Bill: What? Ted: Let's go talk to ourselves. Bill: Excellent. Ted: What'
ll we say anyway? Bill: I dunno…let's go find out. Bill & Ted: 69, dudes! Bill2 & Ted2: Whoa! Bill: Look dudes, we gotta go. Ted: Rufus! Bill: Listen to this dude Rufus, he knows what he's talking about. Ted: Right. Oh, and Ted, give my love to the Princesses. Ted2: Who?
Ted: You'll see. Rufus: Gentlemen, is everything all right? Bill: Yeah, except how come the number for San Dimas brought us here instead of to tomorrow, Rufus. Rufus: Because in San Dimas it is tomorrow, William. You have to dial one number higher. Bill: Oh yeah, thanks R
ufus. Rufus: And you better hurry, because you don't have much time left. Ted: What do you mean, Rufus? We got ten hours left. Rufus: Uh-uh, you got 2 hours left. Bill: Ted you forgot to wind your watch again. Even after you reminded yourself not to. Ted: Well I better re
mind myself again. Ted, don't forget to wind your watch! Bill & Ted: Thanks Rufus. Catch ya later Bill and Ted. Ted: That conversation made more sense this time. Bill: Ted, you're too tall, dude. Billy: Whoa! Who's the Senorita? She's cute. Ted: It's his mom, dude. Billy:
Oh. Missy: Hi guys. Bill: Hi Missy…I mean Mom. Ted: Uh, Mrs. Preston we'd like you to meet some of our friends. Bill: Yeah, this is uh Dave Beethoven, and Maxine of Arc, Herman the Kid. Ted: Bob Genghis Khan, Socrates Johnson, Dennis Freud and, uh, Abraham Lincoln. Missy
: Well it's nice to meet all of you. There are soda's in the fridge. Bill: Mom, can you give us a ride someplace. Missy: Bill, I'm not taking you anywhere until you do your chores. All: Done! Bill: This is the San Dimas mall. And this is where people of today's world hang
out. All right everybody, watch your step getting off. Beethoven make sure you don't get sucked under. Everybody get together. Make sure you remember who your buddy is. Socrates, watch out for your robe, dude. Okay, follow me. You've got your Broadway down here, and your
Sears over here… Girl: …is much like Marie Antoinette's. The few posses much, while the masses posses little but their television sets. This dicotamy led to a revolution in which Antoinette and her husband were be-headed. Today, leaders are appeased rather than be-headed
. Still, while in her day Marie Antoinette said 'Let them eat cake', perhaps today she'd say, 'Let them eat fast food'. Ted: Enjoy! Bill: Okay, look around, see what you think. We'll be back as soon as we find Napoleon. Come on, dude, we don't got much time. Lincoln: Yes,
but what do we… Bill: You ditched Napoleon?! Ted: Deacon, do you realize you've stranded one of Europe's greatest leaders in San Dimas? Deacon: He was a dick. Ted: Well, how're we gonna find him. Bill: Okay, wait, if we were one of Europe's greatest leaders, and we were
stranded in San Dimas for one day, where would we go? Both: Waterloo! Woman: Eleven children please. Napoleon: Mon dieu! Lifeguard: Hey buddy, you're holding up the line! Lifeguard: Come on, buddy. Napoleon: C'est fantastic. Bill: Come on, Napoleon. Everybody's waiting fo
r us. Napoleon: No, no, no… Bill & Ted: Yes, yes, yes… Woman: Why be soft and flabby when you can be firm and trim. When you can have a body that cries out, 'look at me, admire me'. Instructor: Come on! Let's go ladies! Salesman: You a musician? Well here, try this. Girl1
: He's so cute. Girl2: Look at his sandals. Billy: Hi. I'm Billy, this here is So-crates. Socrates: Socrates. Billy: We're from history. Freud: Hello, I'm Doctor Freud, but you may call me Ziggy. Girl2: Oh my God! Freud: You both seem to be suffering from a mild form of h
ysteria. Girl2: You are such a geek. Billy: Way to go egghead. Socrates: Geek! Freud: What is a geek? Guard: I need some help. I've got a live one here. Lincoln: Thank you. Kid: Okay, I need the stupid hat and the Lincoln beard back. Lincoln: You don't understand, I'm Abr
aham Lincoln. Kid: Yeah, right. Ha ha. Now, come on, mister… Lincoln: This is my hat and my beard. Instructor: Keep it up! You're looking great! Freud: I demand, my own lawyer. Guard: Don't get smart with me buddy. Let's go. Bill: Mom, can't you go any faster? Cop: I want
to know why you claim to be Sigmund Freud. Freud: Why do you claim I'm not Sigmund Freud? Cop: Why do you keep asking me these questions? Freud: Tell me about your mother. Would you like a couch to lie on? Cop: No, I don't want a couch to lie on. Captain Logan: All right
, what's your name. Lincoln: Abraham Lincoln. That's L-I-N-C-O-L-N. CaptainLogan: I know how to spell Lincoln. What's your birthday, Mr. Lincoln? Lincoln: February 12th, 1809. Jock: Everything's different, yet the same. Things are more moderner than before, bigger, and ye
t smaller. It's computers. San Dimas High School Football Rules! Ted: I can't believe my dad arrested them all. What are we gonna do? Bill: Okay, Ted, you go in and talk to your dad. I'm gonna scope the place out. Missy, I mean Mom, please keep an eye on Napoleon. Stay! C
aptain Logan: All right lock him up with the rest of those wacko's. Lincoln: I am a lawyer you know… Ted: Dad! Captain Logan: You can pack your bags, Ted. Ted: What? Captain Logan: You're going to Military School. Ted: But, Dad… Captain Logan: No I don't want to hear abou
t it, Ted. Ted: But… Captain Logan: Ted, you go home and you pack your bags, now! Bill: How'd it go? Ted: Bad. Our historical figures are all locked up and my dad won't let them out. Bill: Can we get your dad's keys? Ted: Could steal them but he lost them two days ago. Bi
ll: If only we could go back in time to when he had them and steal them then. Ted: Well, why can't we? Bill: Cause we don't got time. Ted: We could do it after the report. Bill: Ted, good thinking dude. After the report we'll time travel back to two days ago, steal your d
ad's keys, and leave them here. Ted: Where? Bill: I don't know. How about behind that sign? That way when we get here now, they'll be waiting for us. See? Ted: Whoa! Yeah! So after the report we can't forget to do this, or else it won't happen. But it did happen! Hey, it
was me who stole my dad's keys! Bill: Exactly, Ted. Come on. Mom? Missy: Yes? Bill: Can you please bring the car around back? Missy: Sure. Bill: Come on, Ted. We've got some historical figures to rescue. Cop: Roger, over and out. Ted: How are we gonna get past my dad? Bil
l: Do you have a tape recorder at home? Ted: Yeah. Bill: Okay. Remember to get the tape recorder. Set a timer on it for 2:13. Got it? Ted: Got it! What am I gonna say on it? Tape Recorder Ted: Dad! Hey Dad! Bill: It's you, dude. Captain Logan: Ted? Tape Recorder Ted: I'm
over here. Yeah, this way. Ted: Whoa, check it out. Bill: Dear Bill and Ted, good luck on the report. Sincerely, Bill S. Preston, Esquire & Ted 'Theodore' Logan. Ted: Wow, that was nice of us. Bill: PS. Duck! Bill: Excellent work, dude. Joan: Merci. Bill: Time is of the e
ssence. May I ask that you all work together so that we can get down to the car. Against the wall. Single file. Ted: Hurry up, Billy. Tape Recorder Ted: Over here, Dad. Down here! Tape Recorder Bill: Way to go, dude. We stalled him. Tape Recorder Ted: What else do I say?
And now, opening for Iron Maiden, Wyld Stallyns! Captain Logan: Ted? What the hell do you think you're doing? Ted: Remember a trash can. Remember a trash can! Captain Logan: Trash can…what are you… Get this off me, Ted! Ted: Sorry dad, but we've got to go pass our history
report. Oh, I found your keys. Jock: In conclusion, I think Abraham Lincoln would be most impressed with the world of San Dimas. I know I am. Bill: Down the hall, to the left. Mr. Ryan: And I'm sure I speak for Mr. Ward and Mrs. Row when I say that your reports were very
entertaining and very informative for all of us. So, it seems we may be one report short today, so we'll leave just a bit early. But once again I want to thank you all for your very hard work… Ted: Hello San Dimas. Please welcome, for the final report of the afternoon, f
rom all throughout history, some of the greatest leaders who have ever lived, in their 1988 World Tour! Billy: How's it going? I'm Billy the Kid. Billy: I'd like you all to put your hands together. And now, my good friends, Bill S. Preston, Esquire and Ted 'Theodore' Loga
n. Yehaw! Bill & Ted: Thank you! Thank you! Hello San Dimas High. Bill: Mr. Ryan, fellow distinguished classmates, teachers, babes. Ted: Our first speaker was born in the year… Missy: Hi, long time no see. Ted: …470 BC. A time when much of the world looked like the cover
of the Led Zepplin album 'Houses of the Holy'. Bill: We were there. There were many steps and columns, it was most tranquil. Ted: He is sometimes known as the father of modern thought. He was the teacher of Plato, who was in turn the teacher of Aristotle. And like Ozzy Os
borne, was repeatedly accused of corruption of the young. Bill: And since he doesn't speak English, my friend Ted here, is going to interpret for him. So please welcome, to tell us what he thinks of San Dimas, the most bodacious philosophizer in Ancient Greece… Both: Socr
ates! Captain Logan: …is totally out of control. And I got a pretty good idea where he gets it from. I mean if you and that, that wife of yours would show a little discipline you're son wouldn't be such a bad influence. Mr. Preston: Oh, is discipline the key to the succes
s with Ted? Captain Logan: Yes! He's going to the Alaskan Military School. Ted: He loves you best in all the world. Captain Logan: What are they doing up there? Ted: He also loves baseball! Freud: Therefore, Ted's father's own fear of failure has caused him to make his so
n the embodiment of his own deepest anxieties about himself. And, hence, his aggression transference onto Ted. Ted: Whoa! Freud: Okay, Ted? Ted: Yes, thank you very much Sigmund Freud. Bill: Nah! I just got a minor Edipal complex. Bill: It is indeed a pleasure to introduc
e to you a gentleman we picked up in Medieval Mongolia in the year 1269. Ted: Please welcome, the very excellent barbarian. Both: Mr. Genghis Khan. Ted: This is a dude who seven hundred years ago totally ravished China. And whom we are told, 2 hours ago, totally ravished
Oshmans' Sporting Goods. Ted: A most bodacious solider, and general, Ms. Of Arc totally rousted the English from France. And then she turned this dude Gofann, into a kid, and all this by the time she was 17. Napoleon: …avec me waterslide… Ted: The music of Ludwig Von Beet
hoven. Bill: As you can see Genghis very much enjoys Twinkies because of the excellent sugar rush. Ted: He also loves Billiards. Bill: Beethoven's favorite works include Mozart's 'Requiem', Handal's 'Messiah', and Bon Jovi's 'Slippery When Wet'. Ted: To improve on the con
dition of her armies, Joan of Arc plans on instituting a full scale aerobics program on her return to France. Ted: I don't think it's gonna work. Napoleon: No? Ted: He loves…he love San Dimas. Ted: And now, for our last speaker. One of the greatest presidents in American
History, Mr. Abraham Lincoln. Lincoln: Fore score and seven minutes ago, we, your fore fathers were brought forth upon a most excellent adventure. Conceived by our new friends, Bill and Ted. These two great gentlemen are dedicated to a proposition which was true in my tim
e, just as it's true today. Be excellent to each other, and party on dudes! Bill: No… Ted: …Way! Bill & Ted: Thank you San Dimas High! All: We want more! We want more! Ted: Intro… Bill: I'm Bill S. Preston, Esquire. Ted: Bill? Bill: What's up, Ted? Ted: Well, we traveled
through time. I mean, we met lots of great leaders, and we got an A+ on our history report, but look at us, nothing's different. Bill: Maybe it's time we get Eddie VanHalen. Ted: Maybe we should start learning how to play. Bill: Maybe you're right, Ted. Rufus: Hello, agai
n, my excellent friends. Congratulations on passing your history report. Bill: Rufus…the babes… Ted: We looked all over England for you. Bill: Where'd you get those savory clothes? Elisabeth: Rufus introduced us to a place called the mall. Flora: And something called cred
it cards. Rufus: I got them out of England just before they had to marry those royal ugly dudes. Ted: Whoa, way to go Rufus. Bill: How can we ever thank you, Rufus? Rufus: Well you can start by signing this for my kids. Ted: Why? Rufus: They're big fans of yours. Ted: Wha
t? Rufus: Everyone is. Wyld Stallyns music is the foundation for our whole society. Bill & Ted: No way. Rufus: Yes way. In fact, I believe you were there. The futuristic place with the domes? Bill: And the totally excellent music. Ted: They totally worshipped us there, Ru
fus. Rufus: I know. That's why I was sent to make sure you passed your History report. If you guys were separated it would have been disastrous for life as we know it. You see, eventually your music will help put an end to war and poverty. It will align the planets and br
ing them into universal harmony. Allowing meaningful contact with all forms of life. From extra terrestrials to common household pets. And, it's excellent for dancing. Why don't you have the ladies sign as well, would you please. After all, they are in the band. Bill: The
y are? Excellent. Girls: Excellent. Bill: Where are you going, Rufus? Rufus: I got a surprise for you. Rufus: Here. That's to help you as you start your band. Bill & Ted: Thanks Rufus. Rufus: Now I just have one more humble request. If I might be so honored to jam with yo
u? Ted: Oh, do you know how to play? Rufus: I play a little. Ted: Most outstanding, Rufus. Bill: Let's jam. Ted: Bill my friend. Bill: Yes, Ted my friend. Ted: This has been a most excellent adventure. Bill & Ted: One, Two…One, Two, Three, Four… Rufus: They do get better.